I woke up today in darkness.And it wasn’t because it was 530. I’m not talking the darkness outside, but to the darkness inside. It’s a blackness I haven’t seen in awhile. I had chased it away. But there it was, reminding me of it’s prickly nature. It was the blackness I used to see every morning. The blackness that caused my legs to shake while I lay there in bed contemplating the day ahead of me.
I now see it for what it is: an emotional reaction to the negative picture of my life I’d created in my mind, for various reasons, mostly due to my lack of self-worth, the lessons of the past whispering in my ear. In retrospect, It’s probably one of the reasons I want to Spain. It couldn’t follow me there. Well, it only showed up once or twice anyway. It had no reason to be there. I was a stranger in a strange land with no past, and the only future was imbued in my boots, and the next step I was to take. LIterally.
Which leads me to the purpose of this blog. My goal with this is to sort of continue the blog I wrote while walking in Spain (which intertwined stories of my walk in Spain with stories and observations of my life) in the hopes that I can at least pass on a few bits of wisdom and maybe help others with some of the mistakes I’ve made, and the lessons I’ve learned. I will also include some excerpts from the blog “All Roads Lead Home”
Back to the darkness: If you wake up and can’t shake off the darkness, here’s where you need to start: go to bed thinking happy thoughts. Think about how lucky you are just to be alive, how beautiful the afternoon light is. Sorry to be so simplistic. Give gratitude. Pray. Doesn’t have to be to god, but I theorize that this is why praying became a cornerstone of religion.
Praying is usually about positive things, and we need positive energy to roil around our brains as we sleep, and our brains prepare for the next day. There is even science to back me up (click here). But it’s funny. At least with me, the darkness fades away slowly, like a physical malady. All things must pass away.
There you go. The following is from the bio on markwestwriter.com, and sort of states my purpose:
Last Summer I walked across Spain on the Camino de Santiago. I blogged about it, and the journey of my life over the last few years, which included divorce, estrangement from my daughter, therapy, loneliness, thoughts of suicide, insecurity, self-esteem and doubt, and finally a relationship with a recently divorced beautiful Swedish mother of 4 who was dealing with her own shit, who saved my life.
I’m not saying I know any more about life than you. And at times I read what I’ve written and see it as the ravings of a self-absorbed dude bent on self-destruction, or at least self-immolation. One of my favorite refrains is “…but what the fuck do I know? But life goes on. And so does the path in front of each and every one of us.
I’m heading back to Spain to walk part of the camino and finish up the book, walk a few parts that need to be rediscovered, meet a few new people, and maybe to discover a few new things about myself. I hope you stick around, and walk these steps with me. Cause one things I’ve discovered- life is short, and it’s much more worthwhile traveling this world with someone.
In the morning it will fade away
Daylight is good
At arriving at the right time
But it’s not always going
To be this grey
All things must pass away
All things must pass
All things must pass away